17th July 2015
Guest Writer for Wake Up World
As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day I couldn’t help but notice all these articles on men and women. The title of these articles were things like ‘6 Ways to Find a Conscious Man’ or ‘What the Divine Feminine Wants’, ‘What a Real Man Looks Like’, ‘What an Awakened Man Wants in a Woman’ and on and on and on. All I could think to myself was… “What a bunch of bullshit!?!”
Let me first start off by saying that I understand and support the concept of the divine masculine and feminine and believe that they are useful models for relating to men and women. I’ve participated in tantric workshops, studied under David Deida, read a number of spiritual texts, and have read a lot of books on masculinity and femininity, I even had that as an integral theme for my wedding ceremony… so I fully understand the value of these archetypes. Yet, more and more I am finding that the models they represent are idealistic and unrealistic and this is where we can run into problems. That’s not to say they aren’t useful, they’ve certainly made a difference in my relationship with my wife, but they just aren’t attainable on a sustainable level.
As human beings we are made up of both masculine and feminine dynamics, and the fact is we need both aspects of The Divine Masculine and The Divine Feminine in order for us to be complete and successful human beings in today’s world. While many may tout what an awakened conscious women/man wants, and it may resonate with people, I think it is important to understand that these ‘divine’ qualities, which both sexes typically say they want in the other, are simply unattainable on a constant level.
Ditch the Duality
According to the divine feminine archetype, she should always be in a place of receiving and surrender, fully vibrant, a source of inspiration, and in her creative essence – she is the spark and fully in her emotions and completely compassionate. The divine masculine is all about consciousness, providing structures and safety for the feminine, a builder and creator of things, providing focus and intention to fulfill his desires, and the wishes of others.
Now in regards to the Divine Feminine, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think you can survive in today’s world unless you are the type of woman who isn’t really interested in being something other than ‘kept’ in every sense of the word. Women are becoming more and more empowered in their life and in order for them to be more effective they can’t operate in a place of “complete surrender and being able to receive” all the time. It probably wouldn’t be healthy to do so.
Sometimes women’s positions in work or life require them to get aggressive, create structures and manage systems in order to be effective. If a woman was only in her Divine Feminine she’d never get anything done that required structure, timelines or planning, even the ones she holds dear and close to her heart.
There’s already enough garbage out there about how women are not enough and we’ve done a great job of pushing women’s self esteem down if they don’t subscribe to an unattainable standard of beauty – do we really need to add a new way of being to the list of ways they don’t measure up?
As for the Divine Masculine, the same thing applies here. As men we already subscribe to the belief that we need to have our shit together, always know what to do, be living our legacy and working our plan. We, as men, have bought into this idea that we are supposed to be ‘masculine’, but also emotional with just the right amount of toughness, heart, enlightenment, compassion and ruthlessness needed to be the perfect actualized version of a man. This can hurt us by furthering many of the already existing stereotypes of masculinity. Yet another impossible standard to try and attain and has men, good men (who may not measure up in some or all of these areas) left feeling and being perceived as ‘not enough’.
I have all the room in the world for what the words ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ represent, and what they can allow for. But when they become the new standard to measure up to, that is where we should draw the line. It is for that reason, and that reason alone, that I say “f**k you” to both of these archetypes. These idealized models for behaviour have their uses but they have been overused and perverted, and as a result are no different than photo-shopped magazine covers creating unattainable standards that make us feel bad about ourselves when we don’t reach them.
I think the solution isn’t to try and identify with and be the divine masculine or feminine. That’s the standard we’ve been operating inside of and let’s face it… it hasn’t been working. Instead we should allow ourselves to play in these aspects of the masculine and feminine, and see them as an opportunity and one possible way we can operate as humans that may offer us a new path to growth. To me, that’s the ideal place, when we are free to be who we are and express ourselves fully without concern for appearing, less than what the ‘ideal’ is.
So please, let’s stop touting them as the next big revelation in how we relate to each other and let’s understand that both those archetypes already exist in us, and you will never fully embody them all of the time — and that it is okay.
I think it would make a lot of us happier if we didn’t have the pressure of living up to any standard that has been socially and culturally imposed. More than any sort of divinity, what we as humans so desperately need is the freedom to be who we are, exactly the way we are, and to know that that is enough. That to me is what is truly sacred and holy.
About the author:
Scott DeStephanis is a Men’s Relationship Coach and Speaker who has over 7 years of experience in leading seminars, workshops and presentations internationally. Scott’s goal is to impact and facilitate connection within relationships by teaching men how to communicate in a way that is true, honest and understood by their partner. His down-to earth manner coupled with his high degree of integrity with his teachings makes him an excellent and easy to understand expert.
You can learn more about Scott and download his free report Put Passion In Your Partnership at: www.mensrelationshipcoaching.com