By Richard West
Guest Writer for Wake Up World
As we progress along our journey of self-awareness, our priorities change in relationships. This can lead to upheaval and challenge in our relationships, but also beautiful and fulfilling interactions. Inner and outer turmoil and confusion can lead to self-judgment – “Why do we keep losing ourselves? Why do we disempower ourselves and slip into lower consciousness?”
That’s why I’ve put together this simple road map to make it clear just what it takes to be self-realized in our communication and express our highest self all the time, no matter how challenging the interaction.
1 – It’s always about YOU
This isn’t some selfish notion of “only my stuff matters”. Rather, it’s about taking responsibility for how we deal with our inner wounds.
From a spiritual perspective we, as souls, are unique expressions of the ‘one’, originating from the source and flowing through varying densities of consciousness. As the densities get more, well dense, the energy appears more separated, and therefore louder in our consciousness (think mental, emotional and physical planes). Therefore, it can be all too easy to identify with these lower densities of separation. The problem with that is that when these densities get challenged and changed, we lose a part of our identity. The associated pain is buried as a trauma in our body-mind field and we develop coping mechanisms which appear as unconscious, conditioned patterns of behaviour.
In our daily lives, this shows up as being triggered. Betrayal, abandonment, loneliness come up. Because we’re identified with the separation, we tend to want to project that onto the people who have triggered our pain.
Here’s a game changer – I put it to you that when we get triggered, it is almost always from a situation that reflects and activates a pain that is ALREADY existing within us.
When we realize that other people are simply a mirror for our inner experience, we can take full responsibility for how we perceive and deal with the pain that comes up. Taking responsibility is one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. We give ourselves the power over our experience of our pain rather than other people.
2 – Release attachments to specific outcomes
Most people go into interactions with others with attachments to it going a certain way. This comes from one of the deepest conditionings in our collective consciousness – the avoidance of painful experiences and seeking of pleasurable ones.
But, I put it to you that this only keeps us in the lower densities of separation. As soon as we identify our pain as ‘bad’ and seek to avoid it with food, entertainments or drugs, we create an identity around the experience. It becomes ‘us’ vs. ‘the pain’.
However, we can overcome this conditioning when we realize that painful experiences have their place too. They are sign posts to where we identify with the lower densities; where we hold unhealed trauma. And they are opportunities to release that identity and expand into the higher densities, closer and closer to oneness.
If there’s one outcome that we can say is aligned with higher consciousness, it’s self-realization. When we make self-realization our priority, our only goal, we win in every situation we experience.
Attachment to outcomes only leads to manipulation. It can be subtle, but I challenge you to bring awareness to when you might be doing this. Self-realization empowers us in every situation. It leads to greater expansion of consciousness, clearer expression of boundaries, and more aligned and fulfilling relationships.
3 – Being honest with yourself and others
When we take responsibility for our experience, drop attachment to outcomes and make self-realization a priority, telling untruths just doesn’t make sense any more. In fact it can even be felt as a kind of ‘wounding of the spirit’.
Being honest doesn’t mean always expressing our truth outwardly. Rather it means honouring our truth in an authentic way. More on this later.
Here’s the game changer when you come to this level – You realize that, because we all originate from the source, other peoples truths are not more or less valid that your own. Yes, there can be a recognition that someone’s truth is distorted by traumatic experiences leading to attachment to outcome and manipulation. However, crucially, this leads to a wider understanding of such dynamics. Therefore, judgment of yourself and others is also released.
What does expressing your truth lead to? Well, it’s not always a smooth road. Many relationships will likely change, some may even drift away. It can be quite a challenge to let go of people who you’ve been close to but no longer resonate with your truth.
However, I can assure you that over time, expressing your truth leads to much greater alignment and fulfilment in your relationships. When you express clearly who you are into the outside world, so the outside can realign itself to best support that. It’s all about trusting in that process.
4 – Sometimes the best communication is passive
As I alluded to before, honouring your truth doesn’t mean it’s always right to outwardly express it. Sometimes a more passive approach feels right. The key here is to recognize that not only are there individual truths to take into account, but a wider truth at play. So, the question now becomes, “how can I honour my individual truth within the context of the wider truth?”
There are 2 situations where being passive can support this. Firstly, when we recognize that we’re required to listen and hold space for another. Often we people pour their heart out to us, there can be an impulse to express our opinions or offer advice. However, this can interrupt the process that’s taking place. Becoming passive and receptive in this situation can have a much deeper catalytic affect than we think. If the process feels stuck, ask a question about their experience.
The second situation where passive communication can feel right is where you recognize that it would be a waste of energy to be more active. This happens when we are with people who simple see the world differently from us and very little will change that (which is completely ok – not attached to outcomes like persuading someone, remember?). So we recognize that there’s no need to express ourselves and rather conserve our energy.
When you recognize that passive communication is invited from the wider truth, just be sure of one thing. That it doesn’t come from fear of expressing (fear of judgement for example). Instead, keep asking, “what does the wider truth require of me right now?”
5 – It’s all about the movement of energy
When we release identity with the lower densities, drop attachment to outcomes and become aware of the wider truth taking place, our sensitivity to underlying energetic dynamics greatly increases.
When this happens we begin to instantly know when others are not being authentic. We can feel when their surface expression doesn’t mirror what going on deeper down.
The key tool for this is empathy. When we become sensitive enough, we start to feel others emotions as if they’re our own. In fact I have many clients who are very sensitive empaths. At this point it becomes very important to be able to distinguish between your experience and someone else’s. The key is to strengthen your essence, which I’ll go through in detail later.
When we become sensitive to the underlying movement of energy, while strengthening our essence, it becomes much harder for us to be manipulated or deceived. It’s imperative that we begin to trust in our own perception, no matter how subtle it may be, or how seemingly illogical.
6 – Conflict can be good when handled consciously
Conflict is the number one cause of falling into unconscious, conditioned patterns of behaviour. This usually happens when triggered. Therefore, it’s also one of the most catalytic situations for our own self-realization.
The key to not losing ourselves in conflict is to become more and more the witness of our experience. When we observe our body, emotions and thoughts, we begin to detach our identity with them. They simply become signposts to our truth, rather than truth themselves. When we centre ourselves in the witness, we begin to feel something beyond our experience. It can be felt as a kind of emptiness or void, but it is simply a lack of ego; a lack of identity with lower consciousness. When we centre ourselves in this during challenging conflict it becomes impossible to lose ourselves.
So, we start to have a kind of dual experience. On one side we are centred in the witness, yet we still let experience flow as it needs to. This includes fully experiencing any pain that gets triggered. This way we have the opportunity to work through an heal our trauma without losing ourselves, wallowing in the muck of the experience.
7 – Go easy on yourself
This just leaves me to say, take it easy on yourself. Don’t take yourself too seriously. We all fall back on the path sometimes. It’s okay. It’s all part of the process. Now you get to experience the outer mirror and feedback when you fall into unconscious reactionary behaviour but from a new perspective. So there’s no need to judge. This process takes time.
When we work through the 7 core principles:
- We work through our triggers in a healthy way
- We express authentic and clear boundaries
- Our language becomes clearer and a more accurate reflection of our experience
- We empower ourselves and those around us
- We see the bigger picture
- We recognise and respond consciously to manipulation
- We attract healthier and more fulfilling relationships into our life
Master your Self-Realized Communication
Richard has put together 2 platforms for you to master self-realized communication. One is his Facebook group Self-Realized Relating where topics such as the ones mentioned here and many more are regularly posted and discussed. The other is his 6 – week individual coaching program Self-Realized Communication. This is designed to go deep into your own personal situation and receive direct support in healing and becoming a master of self-realized relating.
About the author:
Richard West is a psychologist, spiritual facilitator, author of the book ‘Awakening through Change’ and a caring father. He facilitates the shift into a new paradigm by catalysing a parting of the waves of the old 3D consciousness to the empowered and free 5D consciousness. Specifically, he focuses on supporting people through relationship changes and facilitates soul sovereignty away from emotional dependency.
Facebook: Self-Realized Relating