Guest Writer for Wake Up World
Have you ever looked in the mirror, and seen a reflection of an Angel? Which you are. For real, did you ever find yourself looking at your face, as if you were suddenly looking with a new set of eyes? As if, out of nowhere, you were able to see the unseen, as if you were seeing through a different dimension?
Have you ever experienced being completely immersed by the outer and inner beauty of your own self? Did the bliss of your own pure admiration descend on your body while you stared in disbelief — disbelief at what looked like your face, only a trillion times more beautiful, more glowing, more profound, more complex, more mysterious, more loving than you could ever think was possible, or could ever describe?
I’m going to share with you how I was able to have such an experience, and not just once. But first I’ll talk about the anger that I believe, for many, stands in our way of seeing how magnificent we really are — and actually seeing it in this physical world, with our own eyes, not just in our minds and our imaginations….
Inward and outward anger
I’ve experienced both in my life. Can’t say that either one of them felt good. As a child I was very shy, and I thought I had to smile at everyone, no matter how I felt, so I wouldn’t have to experience being rejected. Ironically, I didn’t feel accepted — I felt unwanted by almost everyone most of the time. My father, who had an alcohol problem, did most of the yelling, so I never dared to raise my voice. I detested loud confrontations just as much as I detested anger. I could see how much dysfunction it was bringing to our life.
Unknowingly though, I was harboring my own anger inside of me. Looking back, I know that my unacknowledged and unexpressed anger was responsible for my severe migraines and for my troubles with sleeping. It turned me into someone easily frustrated and highly irritable. Later on in life, this unattended, and untreated anger resulted in my intentional overdose on sleeping pills. I was angry at the entire world, including myself. Particularly, I was angry with God. I could not comprehend how He could just sit up there in the sky, and watch me going through such hell, called my life, without doing anything to stop it.
After such self-invited close encounter with death, I finally admitted that my anger existed. I started expressing it without being concerned of anyone’s feelings, while often using profanity to accentuate the message. The relief from giving myself permission to say whatever was on my mind, and in whatever way I wished, was sweet and sour. I did not like myself being so aggressive, but I did not wish to ever go back to being submissive either. I didn’t know how to remain in between. My depression continued, and so did my self-inflicted close encounters with death.
Hand-to-hand with the hatred, the anger was consuming me. Even ‘anger management’, for which I signed up voluntarily – desperate to find something that would work – did not help me to control my inner rage. This torment of feeling imprisoned by my own anger lasted for years.
Finally, in the midst’s of searching for the answers deep inside of me, I decided to perform an experiment on myself. I decided to go 30 days without getting upset, not even once. This anger-free experiment had to include especially not getting upset with myself, meaning I could not generate any angry thoughts whatsoever!
Easier said than done, for sure. I struggled with it immensely, but I remained faithful to my plan. In order to succeed with it, I had no choice but to monitor closely every thought that would cross my mind. I noticed that my negative thoughts were responsible for making me feel angry, and so each time they’d arrive, I had to consciously replace them with, if not with positive thoughts then at least with a neutral ones. The circumstances I was in were making this challenge even more challenging, however I was determined to find out what, if any, beneficial changes such practice could bring.
Within days, I started noticing the first signs of spiritual transformation. I noticed that while interacting with people, I wasn’t prone to make any judgements, good or bad, regarding them or their behaviors — even if I was directly affected by it. Best of all, I didn’t have to force myself not to be judgemental, it was coming naturally from within me. It felt as if I was simply an observer, a compassionate and understanding one. An observer that was grateful to see and experience whatever unfolded in front of me. It felt as if whatever anxiety I’ve experienced in life had evaporated, and a new feeling of peace and calm was flowing through me.
Encouraged by this positive change, I decided to take it farther — by consciously focusing on gratitude. And that also seemed to come effortlessly from within me. I consciously started replacing the angry thoughts (which by the way kept coming to my mind) with thoughts of gratitude. Whatever made me angry, I made sure that first, I’d notice it, then I’d find a relevant thought that would show my gratitude towards whatever it was that was making me mad.
In one of those days, I was around a young mother and a child. I observed their dysfunctional interaction. I watched the mother getting frustrated with her child for not listening to her and for refusing to leave her in peace. I felt compassion for the child, and for the young woman. I saw the suffering in both of them, and I felt their pain as if it was my own.
When the little boy, exhausted from crying earlier, was resting on my lap, I allowed myself to feel admiration towards him. Silently, in my mind, while watching him being immersed in sleep, I told him how sorry I was that he had to go through so much pain so early in his life. I told him, what a special Soul he was for incarnating in human body in such unstable times. I continued to admire his facial features, his tiny hand that formed a fist — and the way his entire being radiated how much love he had to give, and how much he wished for nothing else but to be loved! I felt immense gratitude that he existed.
Seeing the soul
I got up later to go to the bathroom, and that’s when for the first time, I saw what I saw. I looked in the mirror that was above the sink in total disbelieve. I saw my own reflection, only this time it wasn’t just my face the way I’m used to seeing it in the mirror. It was as if I was hit by some sudden realization of how beautiful I was. It wasn’t just an external beauty, it was a beauty that was so profound that the depths of it could never, ever be measured by any means!!!! It was unimaginable. Indescribable. It was as if I was looking at an Angel, face-to-face. The love that was emanating from the eyes of my reflection was deeper than any love I’ve ever felt. The strange part was that even though I was clearly in a state of shock, and my face had to assume some expressions resulting from it, my reflection wasn’t showing it. My reflection was looking at me as if she understood everything, as if she had some kinds of ultimate knowledge and ultimate power.
The energy that was forming the reflection and everything around it seemed magical. The only closest way to describe it would be by asking you to imagine what it must feel like to be in another dimension, and to see an other-dimensional being.
The experience didn’t last just a few seconds, it actually continued for a few minutes. I was allowed to stand face-to-face with my higher me, with my Spirit, with that which is One with everything. I was allowed to see past the Illusion of the physical world. I was allowed to admire it, to feel the incredible joy and the incredible power that it had. I was allowed to see how connected I was with it. After all, I was looking at myself….
After this experience, I still found myself lost in the old habit of getting angry. I spent a few more years on inner work directed towards resolving this issue. I found out later that the most permanent solution for it was practicing forgiveness, the process that required for me to re-experience such anger.
The good thing was that once the forgiveness took place, once I healed the old wounds with it, it got much easier to practice not getting mad and not having angry thoughts. Also, through that same process of actively replacing negative/angry thoughts with thoughts of gratitude, that same experience of seeing my Soul in the mirror started to recur, bringing me each time closer to a full realization of who I really am. An Angel.
Previous article by Elzbieta:
About the author:
Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is an author, former fashion model and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, Elzbieta finally realized that only she could change her mind, and finally overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening.
Elzbieta’s story forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on Amazon.com
This article edited by Andy Whiteley for Wake Up World.