Healing Survival Consciousness: 6 Steps to Release Your Child Mind’s Inner Conflicts

During our growing up years, there was so much about the world and how we fit into it that we did not understand. We relied on grown-ups to show us, teach us and guide us. The people we relied upon also had to rely on the grown-ups during their growing up years. Does being a grown up mean you are wise and experienced enough to appropriately mentor a child into their adulthood? Not necessarily. It all depends on how the grown-up was mentored and cared for during their childhood years.

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Unfortunately, what we learn is what we become. This means, as an adult, we must learn how to unlearn what others taught us if the lessons learned do not support our emotional growth. This isn’t always an easy transition because the mind of the human is adaptable to change only when that change is considered safe by both the conscious mind and the unconscious mind. The problem with what constitutes safe by the adult mind may not feel safe to the child mind which is still active in the unconscious mind of the adult. Many childhood perceptions about oneself and the world, and the long-forgotten memories and experiences that formed them, continue to activate a survival response due to childhood survival instincts that are stored within the unconscious mind. These outdated survival patterns keep the adult-self in a conflicted state of mind because what the adult mind wants to change does not feel safe to the child mind.

If a child reaches out for affection from a parent, but the parent is always preoccupied and does not respond to the child’s needs, the child begins to feel that they are undeserving of the parent’s affection. Since the child could not bear the feeling of rejection from a parent, the child must adapt to not receiving it. The acceptance of non-affection overrides the acceptance of rejection as a survival response. If the child feels rejected by a parent, the child believes they will not be cared for by the parent. Since the child is not capable of caring for themselves, the child must adapt to the parent’s method of caring for them. As the child grows into adulthood, the adult-self needs and desires affection, but the child mind is still stuck in its survival strategy and continues to fear rejection.

The child mind is the part of the mind that is trapped in the space and time of the emotionally charged event. Its goal is to keep the whole-self safe from further harm, meaning safe from further rejection. The adult mind, the part of the whole-self that matured into adulthood, is trying to get their unmet childhood needs met through their adult relationships. These two aspects of the whole-self are in conflict with each other.

If a child loves to play sports and is regularly criticized in their performance by their coach, the child may feel like a disappointment. As the child grows into adulthood, he or she may fear being criticized by a boss. This will keep the adult-self from expanding into higher positions in their career. Although the adult-self believes he or she is skilled and talented enough to handle bigger projects, he or she may keep themselves small and unnoticed because the child part in them is fearful of criticism and basically feels like a disappointment to the world.

Although we may believe our parents and other authoritative figures did their best for us during our growing up years, the child mind within us is still seeking their validation and approval through our adult relationships with others. We may understand on a logical level that our parents couldn’t meet our childhood emotional needs because their needs were not met for them as children, but our child mind is not on that emotional level. We may believe on a logical level that the critical coach was just a mean old man and his opinion meant nothing to us. We hide, deny and disown our hurt feelings to protect ourselves in the world.

So how do we release ourselves from the survival consciousness that was created a long time ago if we are not aware of our disowned parts that still live in an emotionally charged past experience? As much as we don’t want to revisit those old ugly feelings, we need to go beyond the intellectual mind and locate the part of us that is trapped in fear. We need to help this part of us heal the emotional pain that created the survival response so we can live a more passionate life.

Aside from your logical mind, you also have a wise mind that can be accessed through a deep connection with the heart center. The heart is a powerful source of intuition and insight. When you are connected to the energetic field that surrounds the heart, you get out of your analytical mind for a while and take the opportunity to discover more about your inner self. This includes getting to know the different aspects of your whole-self, including those that are in conflict with each other. Once you discover your inner conflicts, you will become aware of what has been preventing you from moving forward with your desires, goals and passions.

There is a simple, but yet powerful, process that can help you work through your inner conflicts. I have provided this process in a step by step format here.

Step One:

Find a comfortable place where you will not be disturbed. Bring to your mind something you would like to change about yourself or about your life, but no matter how much you have focused your attention on this change, nothing has changed.

Step Two:

Close your eyes and take three long deep breaths in and exhale each breath into the center of your heart.
As you breathe into the center of your heart, imagine the flow of your breath going deeper and deeper into your heart area.

Step Three:

Relax the breath to a more natural and comfortable manner, directing each out breath into the center of your heart and imagine that your heart begins to expand outward.
With each new exhale into your heart center, imagine that your heart expands a little more.

Step Four:

As you feel the heart expanding, imagine the energy within your heart flowing out from the heart center and gathering all around.
As the energy gathers around you, imagine it creating a bubble of heart consciousness all around your body, as your body just sinks into that bubble.

Step Five:

With each new exhale, imagine your whole body sinking deeper into that bubble of heart consciousness as the outside world just fades away from you.
Ask the part of you that is holding you back to step forward. Be patient. These parts of you are hiding because the world does not feel like a welcoming place. Note: You may notice a younger version of yourself appear before you. You may see this aspect of you, feel it or just know that another aspect of you has stepped forward.

If nothing happens, this part of you may not be ready to trust you yet. You may need to try this process a few times. Eventually, this aspect of you will come forward. Do not question what shows up. Whatever shows up for you has significance to your inquiry. Stay with whatever shows up for you. It will lead you to the conflict if you stay with your first impressions.

Step Six:

Once you have determined what part of you is in conflict with the part of you that is ready to move forward, it’s time to do some negotiating. Before you proceed, you may need to convince this aspect of you that it is safe, loved and unconditionally accepted by you.
Let this part of you know that you are here with love and compassion for this part of you and that you are here to listen without judgment.

Note: Sometimes a part of you may step forward that makes you feel uncomfortable. If this should happen, just sit with that part for a while. It is only a part of you that feels inferior. That is why you rejected it in the first place. This part of you is innocent, lovable, worthy and only wants to be validated. Give yourself some time to get to know this part of you.

Once you are ready to listen with your heart to the concerns of this part of you, you can use this sample guide to elicit the concerns of this aspect of you:

What are you afraid might happen if I ______________________? (name your current goal, desire or passion)

Give this aspect of yourself time to answer you. Once you have received your answer, let this aspect of you know that you understand its concerns. Remember, this part of you is trapped in the time and space of the event that caused you to go into survival mode. This part of you may feel afraid, alone, abandoned, neglected, unloved, unwanted, like a disappointment, incapable or stupid. It is important that you listen with a compassionate heart.

As this part of you expresses what it fears, with the same concern and compassion you would have for a small child, offer this child part some comfort. Ask this part of you what it needs that it did not receive. This part of you may say “a hug”, “someone to listen”, “mom”, “dad”.

If this part of you needs a hug, see or feel yourself giving this younger version of you a hug. If this part of you just needs some comforting words, offer these words from your heart. If this part needed mom or dad or another person to be there for them, use your wise mind and let this hurt part of you know that this person was not aware of how much this part of you needed them.

Your wise mind already knows that most grown ups do the best they could. It is this other version of you that needs to know that. Your wise mind also knows that what this part of you is feeling is based on the fear of not being accepted, and not based in the truth of the matter. It is up to your wise mind to help this part of you understand that he or she is loved and accepted to the highest capability of those that he or she needs love and acceptance from, that the matter is over and that this part of you survived. Let this part of you know that you, as the adult-self, is a grown up now and this part is a valuable part of you and has grown up capabilities.

Once you have given this aspect of you the love and comfort it needs from you, give this part of you a chance to respond to your wise words.

If the response indicates that this part of you feels better, ask this part if he or she is ready to step into adulthood with you, be independent and do the things that bring happiness to all parts of you. If you should hear or somehow sense a “yes”, then imagine this part of you as small as the palm of your hand, lift it out of the trap he or she is stuck in and place this aspect of you inside your heart center. Imagine the energy around your heart swirling around this part of you, infusing this part of you with an abundance of love and unconditional acceptance.

If this part of you responds with fear or a negative attitude, or this part of you did not step forward, keep negotiating with this aspect of you with the love, compassion and wisdom that comes from the heart. If this aspect of you remains stuck in that trap or was too afraid to show up for you, then this part of you is still untrusting. This part of you will need more time. At that point, thank this part of you for coming forward. This part of you now knows that you have acknowledged it – it is no longer feeling disowned by you. This part of you may need time to trust the world again. Let this part of you know that it is not alone, that you are here for this part of you and that you understand that this part of you is not ready and that is OK.

You will need to return back to this aspect of you at another time, but do not wait too long. It is best to come back to this part of you at least every other day, bringing words of comfort and compassion. Eventually, this part will trust you and will want to come out of the trap and into adulthood with you.

When you are returning to a part that has already revealed itself or remains in hiding, repeat steps one, two and three. From there, ask this aspect to step forward, reminding this part of you that you mean no harm and that you are here to bring love, comfort and safety to this part of you. At that point, you can continue working with this part, giving it time to feel comfortable and safe with you, so you can invite this part of you into your heart space so it can grow up with the rest of you.

Wishing all aspects of you love and peace.

Also by Kelly Tallaksen:

Why Quick Fix Healing Modalities Don’t Provide Permanent Healing

About the author:

Kelly Tallaksen is a board-certified hypnotist, hypnosis instructor for basic and advanced training, HeartMath© mentor, writer and lecturer on healing the shadow of the soul and reconnecting to our divine self. Kelly is trained in holistic psychology, parts therapy, age regression and spiritual healing. Kelly is a contributing author of the published book “The Art of Spiritual Hypnosis, Accessing Divine Wisdom” by Roy Hunter and offers her free e-book “Healing Our Unhealed Parts” on her website to help others understand how we are unknowingly controlled by parts of ourselves that continuously seek resolution, healing and safety and what steps are necessary to start healing the unhealed parts within us.