By Juliet Tang
Contributing writer for Wake Up World
It was 3 am. I was kneeling on the cold bathroom floor in front of the toilet trying to vomit. The intense nausea in my stomach seemed to have taken on the size of a giant rock. No matter what I did, it refused to come out rendering me more and more hopeless.
This was one of the more challenging ayahuasca experiences I’ve had, and one I’ve been reluctant to write about as the integration of the experience continues to offer more layers and deeper meaning many months after. As always, with her tough love, ayahuasca gifted me the most valuable lesson on what it truly means to take charge of our destiny.
Regardless of where you are in your life journey, if there is any person, thing or circumstance that causes you irritation, I know this post can shed some insight on how you can shift the situation, and step into the creator that you are born to be.
Illusion of Separation
That particular ayahuasca ceremony I had was beautiful, so beautiful that I drank two cups and felt every particle of mine was engaged in an eternal dance of Creation. Vaguely, I was aware my friend who sat on the other end of the room was having a rough time.
With the strong effects of two cups lingering in my system, after the ceremony closed, although I was physically in the healing space and some form of mental capacity returned, a large portion of me was still left dwelling in the Oneness dimension.
As I joined others in the resting room, I quickly learned what it’d be like to live without what I call the “separation program” which creates the illusion that each of us is an individual identity that is separate from others. I picked up the energy behind each thought, emotion and word from everyone in the room. The moment I focused on it, it was no longer theirs, it was mine.
Their joy was my joy.
Their fear was my fear.
Their pain was my pain.
Resistance = Suffering
My friend who was not quite yet in his right mindset began describing to me his ceremony experience at the speed of 100 miles per hour with graphic details. His experience was far from the light, and it would be enough to send chills down my spine listening to it even in my waking and conscious state.
I was too weak, or incoherent to put a stop on it on time.
I then did the unthinkable – I resisted with whatever mind power I had left.
The resistance sucked me into the terror of his journey where the fear behind each word he spoke stabbed me like a knife in my solar plexus. The more I resisted, the bigger the ball of pain and nausea grew in my stomach, and the further I slipped into a dark dimension where I was unable to escape.
In that dimension, I was completely alone, and surrounded by the shadow of fear as if the very essence of the meaning of fear came alive.
I focused on being present, yet the energy I took on was multiplying and intensifying inside of me. I fought to stay awake, to breathe, and to drink water; I even attempted to reason with myself that ayahuasca was just showing me the projection of a fragment of my mind, and all this was an illusion.
As the night went on, the shadow energy began taking over my whole being, and transformed into excruciating physical, and mental pain.
Each moment was as long as an eternity as I was kneeling on the cold bathroom floor begging for some type of release. I desperately wanted to purge, but nothing would come out. The thought that I may be slowly dying, and was trapped in that dimension forever caused more fear which led to more pain.
I fought and fought. I believed this was all a big mistake. Something resembled anger, feeling of injustice and victimhood was boiling inside of me.
How could this happen to me?
Why should I suffer when it wasn’t even my experience?
What did I do to deserve this?
On and on, with whatever strength I managed to muster, my mind repeated those stories about how powerless I was. I wanted nothing more than to escape my body, that dimension, and the entire ceremony altogether.
I felt like the biggest victim on the planet. This wasn’t fair. I never created my friend’s experience. It was his story, not mine!
There Is Only One in the Room
Hours passed by.
Whenever I regained a few moments of consciousness, to make myself feel better, I did my best to forgive and love myself, and everyone on the planet. It didn’t take me out of the state, but it helped me focus on something other than fear.
Suddenly, I heard the medicine say to me, “You chose this. You created this.”
Puzzled, I thought I was being mocked.
Again. “You created this. Own your choice.”
The breakthrough finally came.
There was no “others” or “outside,” and ayahuasca was more than eager to show me my aloneness in that dimension. Every creation was mine. There was only one in the room. I was the sole creator of my experiences, my life, and my universe.
I created this experience. How it was created, the format of its delivery, and why it was created was irrelevant, I still created it! I brought it forth into my reality. I called it in. And I experienced it.
As soon as I realized this, I stopped resisting, and wholeheartedly embraced my creation. Instantaneously, I knew I then had the power I did not have before to consciously choose to let it go because I owned my creation. The moment I decided, all the energy came out in one big purge – the best I’ve had in my life.
The next moment, I came back into the body completely, and my own ceremony closed.
Your Creation = Your Projection
It took me months to integrate this piece as the concept of taking 100% responsibility is a tough one for many. Prior to this, I was responsible for own thoughts, words and actions, but my ceremony brought the understanding to a whole new level – I am also responsible for all that has been brought to my attention, and all that occurs in my life whether it has to do with me or others whom I may not even have met.
It’s understandable why this practice can cause upset in some. After all, why are you responsible for things others have done that has nothing to do with you?
I feel partially, many equate taking responsibility with taking blame, and that is a misunderstanding. No one is responsible for others’ choices and actions in life, and self-blame is self-sabotaging on every level.
On the contrary, taking complete responsibility means to acknowledge without judgment that some energy, or unconscious programming within you that you may have unknowingly inherited from society or possibly ancestral lineages has manifested into the appearance of a person, circumstance or event “outside” of you. By feeling annoyed, it has been brought to your awareness so it can be released. The suffering only comes from you resisting what is.
By taking responsibility over anything that has been brought to your attention to be experienced by you in any way, whether it is your career or Donald Trump, regardless of how, or why the circumstance has been created, you are now 100% at power, or empowered to release that energy in you. More often than not, the internal shift creates an external transformation because you have de-cluttered, and created space within yourself to receive inspired action.
In the end, it boils down to you and your wholeness. In fact, the entire universe is conspiring to support you in your coming back to the integrity of your Being, and will continue to bring button-pushers into your life to stir something up inside of you until you come to your consciousness. Just like my ayahuasca ceremony, the moment you own the creation that affects you, you have complete power to choose to let that energy go.
You can release the energy simply by forgiving and loving yourself and everyone else. You don’t need to know what type of unconscious programming you took on, how it got there, or how long you’ve carried it, just forgive, and love. This simple but powerful practice of embracing forgiveness and love instills deep healing into our being, and restores our power rather than making others responsible for what we create.
It’s easy to get sucked into the collective unconscious disempowerment in our world. Many feel victimized and angry on some level, and some even go as far as taking it out on others by trolling, judging and hating — which is the epitome of absolving responsibility.
The roles of an unconscious victim who avoids responsibility, and a conscious creator who embodies self-mastery, are mutually exclusive. You have the opportunity every moment of every day to decide which role you choose to play in life.
At the core, you are the only person who is responsible for all that happens in your life including your reactions to the “outside.” Everything, a.k.a., all the sensory information you experience is experienced inside of your mind, which does an excellent job at interpreting and making sense of it all based on its previous programming — 90% of it being unconscious. If something “out there” is rocking your inner world, see it as a wonderful invitation from life to inspire you to awaken to your consciousness, and reclaim your power.
You are truly in charge of your destiny.
If ayahuasca has been calling you, please feel free to check out my Complete Ayahuasca Guide here.
Recommended articles by Juliet Tang:
- 7 Ways to Access Inner Peace Now – What Life In New York Has Taught Me
- Money and Spirituality – 5 Common Abundance Blocks, and How to Transform Them
- Awakening: 7 Steps to Ease the Labor Pain of Spiritual Rebirth
- Teachings of Ayahuasca – Creation, Death, Rebirth, and 15 Essential Life Lessons
- I Woke Up and the World Around Me is Still Asleep… What to Do?
- If Your Boss Is Dolores Umbridge – 4 Spiritual Tools for the Workplace
- How Psilocybin Mushrooms and Plant Medicine Can Heal Humanity and Transform Our World
- Living From The Divine Ordinary
- The Search for Enlightenment: 5 Crucial Lessons…and Why None of It Actually Matters
About the author:
Juliet Tang is an intuitive life coach, spiritual mentor and medicine woman. Her work empowers those who are looking for more alignment and expansion to awaken to their power and purpose on earth, activate more love, abundance and joy in their lives, and manifest their soul’s desires using the conscious creation process.