Guest Writer for Wake Up World
The notion of “laying blame” is perhaps more complex and varied than we realise. Often it brings to mind, memories or thoughts of blame being unfairly placed on others. But in reality, there is a pattern that many of us repeat whereby we unknowingly blame ourselves for situations and occurrences around us that are actually out of our control.
This article deals specifically with the most common cause cause of this pattern: the perception of rejection that triggers a subliminal feeling of unworthiness in ourselves.
Here are a few universal examples that illustrate just that point…
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• Consider the gesture of friendship you lovingly reached out with, that was rejected or overlooked.
• What about the advance you courageously extended towards someone you admired or adored, only for it to be spurned?
• Or the labor of love you created from the depths of your heart and soul, that did little more than to generate blank stares from others?
How many times have you had a similar experience of feeling rejected, misunderstood and unseen and instantaneously came to the conclusion that the response or lack of response you gained was a reflection of some sort of inherent flaw within yourself? You might not have been aware of it in these terms at the time, but, what if the response you got somehow reinforced a deeply submerged, painful belief, that you are somehow inherently flawed, unattractive, undesirable or incapable of truly being seen, appreciated and loved?
Can you see that being able to bring this possibility into clearer focus actually speaks to a limit or glass ceiling on your awareness of yourself?
Being able to SEE the glass ceiling around what you currently perceive as being possible, what you deserve and/or the level of recognition and validation you can reasonably expect to enjoy, is the pre-requisite to being able to shatter it in order that you can claim more of your essential Spiritual nature as FREE.
Often however, this pattern can be so deeply wired into our responses to life that we find it difficult to identify and really grasp the extent of its effects on our experience of life. This type of patterning is frequently one that we learn at a very young age. Perhaps you grew up having it modeled that anything you did needed to gain a seal of approval from others in order for it – for YOU – to be OKAY. This is often what happens for example when individuals grow up observing a parent who is painfully self-conscious, inhibited and a firm believer that everything that happens to him/her/you/the family is a negative reflection of who they/you/the family are.
Does that sound too drastic to be true?
In reality I am sure this occurs much more often than we realise, where we observe our parents or elders rather than feeling confident and going after what they really want, instead find themselves feeling frustratingly paralysed throughout life from the fear of being judged.
What kind of understanding of life does this type of legacy bring?
It is not difficult to see that frustration, self-punishment, a sense of ‘stuckness’ and inability to take self-assured, decisive, inspired and meaningful action to fulfil one’s fullest potential and dreams – are the stuff that those pesky feelings of unworthiness are made of.
If this has been part of your experience and inheritance growing up and you can recognise that it clouds the vibrancy and full spectrum of yourself as a dynamic, colourful, intuitive and creative being, it is also clear that there is a degree of un-learning and conscious unravelling of this fear-based belief system that needs to happen in order that you can truly experience your essential Spiritual nature to freely express, create, share, love and be loved in return.
This type of fear is often quite shrouded – ironically by different levels and flavours of fear. If you sense that this pattern of placing the blame for external situations and outcomes on your own shoulders is one that features in your own ability to stand in your value, self-worth and to freely and confidently create healthy new experiences, here are some tell tale signs to be on the look-out for:
- You feel like you don’t know who you are – you feel out of touch with your most essential nature as a limitless, resourceful, intuitive and capable Spirit
- You find it difficult to stand in your worth
- You feel disempowered, unable to or unaware of how to recognise and validate yourself, your innermost feelings and needs
- You feel disconnected from your unique perspective, message and purpose – or even believe that you might not have one
- You feel unable to consciously go after and create the calibre of relationships and experiences you instinctively know will enable you to shine
- You wait for life to happen to a certain degree wishing, wanting and hoping that luck will come your way and change your fate
- You believe on a very deep and fundamental level that you are somehow unlovable, flawed and the grief around this submerged belief makes you feel unworthy of being seen. Almost as if you believe you need to protect others from the ‘ugliness’ of your ‘faults’.
It is not surprising if you subscribe to this belief system and its accompanying feelings, that you unwittingly hold back as you move through life, keeping yourself energetically hidden, shrouded – not unlike like a troll under a bridge. There is a point of disconnection between your instinct to navigate your way happily and freely through life and the held belief that you are unlovable and unworthy of being truly free to be yourself, to be seen.
At that very point however there lies a button within your consciousness with the label “I blame myself”. This is the button that activates fear when you encounter the possibility that maybe, just maybe, your life can unfold in a different, potentially better, more liberating, enjoyable way. Often, these are the very same new opportunities that represent a gateway to your freedom.
This type of belief system that you are somehow unworthy, unlovable and inherently flawed is also a mechanism that keeps you mentally and emotionally safe.
It keeps you in a comfort zone that is controllable but above all, known. On some level, you already understand that to leave that comfort zone would be tantamount to relying on yourself – your true self and all your resources. And that would thrust you into the land of uncertainty, where there are no guaranteed outcomes and you have nothing but your instincts and intuition guiding the way. You would be bidding farewell to the characters and situations that speak to a shadow of who you really are – those you have already gained a level of ‘approval’ from but who in reality don’t actually know the REAL you at all. You would be living life to the fullest and that in itself is a risk.
Assuming the blame when things don’t go as spectacularly as you would like is a way – and a painful way at that – of taking yourself down and out of the game of life.
If this patterning resonates, what might be possible for you in the coming weeks and months if you opened up to the possibility that there was another more authentic story or belief you could hold on to and which spoke to your truth.
What might be possible if you let yourself off the hook for other people’s responses or lack of response to you?
Dr. Wayne Dyer once said;
“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.”
What might be possible if you changed your greeting to life using these affirmations?
- I stand in my worth.
- I sincerely invite you to make this journey with me.
- Whatever you choose is 100% your choice.
Previous articles by Caroline:
- The Wise Woman Within
- Surrender to Fear – Shed Your Skin – BE YOURSELF!
- The Effect of External Energies in Your Space
- Overcoming Envy and Competition
- Creative Day-Dreaming: Your Connection to Life’s Creative Flow
- The Journey vs. The Dream
- Why Tomorrow Never Comes
- Is Fear Holding You Back From Getting What You Really Need?
- Are You Waiting for Inspiration? Or Intuition?
- Step Into Your Brilliance
About the author:
Caroline is a professional Intuitive Life Coach, teacher, spiritual midwife and guide.
She leads a revolutionary, 6 month transformational program called the Wise Woman Creativity and Manifestation Intensive. It is the perfect container for women who are READY to finally create and enjoy validating, tender relationships, an impassioned meaningful career, a healthy body and mind, strong, honest and nurturing family dynamics and a beautiful living space that will really affirm the completeness and wisdom they already sense within.
It provides powerful structure and support for women who are 110% committed to their self-healing and value the benefits of being mentored, held – and stretched – to their fullest potential in measurable, real-life inner and outer ways. To learn more contact Caroline directly.
Follow Caroline on Facebook at Facebook.com/thealchemistwithin
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